I have been wanting to talk about my anxiety for a while now. I just didn’t know how to get out the words. But now I think it’s the perfect time to be super open and vulnerable. I also don’t want people to feel alone in this.
So let’s start at the beginning. I remember being in kindergarten always being scared of people, parties, school. People just thought I was shy and quiet when in reality I was very scared and uncomfortable. School was horrible. Especially classrooms. I hated them I felt trapped. I would always try to ask the teacher if I can sit kind of close to the door so I can escape. I do this in the movies as well. Being in the middle freaks me out and makes me feel trapped. I have to sit at the end of the aisle if there is a lot of people but if me and my friends are the only ones in the row. I will sit in the middle because I know I can leave at any time.
I didn’t know this was anxiety so I was living my life in fear for year and years. I had a best friend in 2nd grade through my mid-twenties. She was really my comfort in school. We were always with each other. One day in 9th grade she was sick and didn’t come to school. I was trying to get out of school as well so I didn’t have to go through it alone. My mom made me go to school. I had a breakdown. I was crying I was so scared my comfort person wasn’t there so I felt all alone. Even though I had a few friends. The one that made me feel the most comfortable wasn’t there. I can’t even really describe the feelings I was feeling that day. It was bad. School was already horrible for me.
Throughout the years I had good years and bad years. At this time I still didn’t know I had anxiety. I still avoided parties as much as I could. I did a good job at keeping friends. They knew my quirks and respected them so I wasn’t put in stressful situations.
Home was my safe place. I could be myself not really worry about anything. Home is still my safe place. I just figured out I had anxiety about two years ago. So from age 5 to 26 I was dealing with this on my own thinking it was normal.
Recently I got invited to an event. No one was available to go with me so I had to go all by myself. This was the first time I ever been to an event all by myself. I didn’t know anyone that was going to be there. It was a very important event for a brand I’m currently working with. I had to go so I can meet the team and all that. A week before the actual event I was freaking out and overthinking as usual as the days came closer my mind went wild. But long story short I made it through I went to an event all by myself. I met the people I needed to meet and I made a few new friends! I am still so proud of myself. I conquered my anxiety that day.
There will probably be a part two of this. I have more to say but I just can’t put it into words at the moment.